ASK MARILYN MANSON

Dear MM:
	Is the proper etiquette at a rock concert when you're
feeling nausea to puke on the person in front of you or the 
person to your left?

Gentle Reader:
	How can you be so impolite. Proper etiquette dictates
that the left is only to be used at dinning parties. At rock
concerts, you puke on whoever is closest to you.

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hints from MM
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Dear MM:
	My cousin "Al" comes over to my house, and likes to pull out
a chicken and bite its head off. the children find it entertaining,
but how do I remove the blood stains from my frantic wife?

Why don't you try this:
1. Soak your clothing or bedding (as soon as possible) in a tub of icewater. 
2. Rub the stains until they're almost gone. 
3. Apply a stain-remover to the stain while it's still wet. 
4. Wash the item in a washing machine with hot water (with a full load of 
clothes, if possible) and with plenty of laundry soap. 
5. Rewash the item if the stain is still there.
 
   The following will work for light-colored or color-safe clothes: 
1. Apply hydrogen peroxide before you wet the fabric. 
2. Pour hydrogen peroxide on and let it sit for a few minutes 
3. Add more hydrogen peroxide and rub the stain until it's nearly gone. 
4. Launder the item right away using the hottest temperature safe for the 
fabric (check the label). 
5. Do not dry the item until the stain is out or it will set in the fabric.
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Dear MM,
	Try as I might, my husband and I cannot find a nice answer
to the question "We're coming to the coast and we'd love to see you.
Can we stay with you a few days?"

Gentle Reader:
	Try performing anal sex with them using a chain saw. They
should get the point.
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Dear MM,
Last month while I was getting my car keys out of the blender, my 
friend thought it would be funny to switch the power on. That was
funny and all back then, but now I'm having problems trying to pick
my nose. What should I do?

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My son gargles bleach to freshen his breath. Last week while I was
opening an account for him at the bank the teller remarked how white
his teeth were. I commented how rude I thought that was and gave her
a piece of my mind. How can I stop inconsiderate people from saying
such things?

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Dear MM,
At my Satanic club's yearly sacrifice it was my turn to set up the
arrangements this year. Should the salad fork go in the left or right
side of our victim's head? Let's call her "Judy,"

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While I'm out on a date with a girl I find it hard to drop some roofies casually 
into her drink. Are their any techniques to
distracting her while I make my move?

A: Usually the polite thing is to point in the opposite direction and
shout "Oh My God, What Is That Thing?!?!" This not only confuses the
date, but tends to keep witnesses from observing the act as well.

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Last week while my high school French teacher was instructing me as to
the proper way to say "La-trine" I thought it would be funny to 
to mention that her face looked like a truck had run over it. She didn't find this 
amusing and suspended me for three days.
What is the proper etiquette for assassinating her?

Gentle Reader:
Excellent Question. Common practice here tells us to raid the school
hallways and shoot everything that moves, but a more appropriate measure
should be to level your anger in stages towards her. Try sending her a
pig's heart with a message nailed to it that reads "YOU!"
Then go to her house and forcibly rape her dog in front of her children.
And as a finishing touch, shove a pole up her ass (be careful not to hit
any vital organs) until it protrudes out of her mouth. Then cement the pole in
the ground in front of your school so that the students can watch her
slowly die in agony. The kids will love it.